It's official...

I have made to executive decision to turn my blog that I said I was going to do (and haven't) into a BABY blog! Yep, a baby blog. My how the tides have changed...
I need a place to talk about all of my hopes and fears and woes of pregnancy. Dear husband is tired of hearing every statistic under the sun, so why not share it here?
As of today I am 8 weeks and 4 days. This is amazing...how does something so tiny (a kidney bean to be exact) turn into a living, breathing little person? The creation of life is wonderful opportunity.
I am thrilled about being a mother. I see babies and children all day at work and I dream about my own little peanut. I wonder if he/she will look like me or Ryan...what color will their eyes be...what color will their hair be? I'm starting to think that this was my plan all along. To be a mother; there is nothing in this world that I want more.
I am beginning to feel pregnant, especially in the last few days. The morning sickness has decided to appear in the middle of the night and my skin officially hates me and anything I put on it. But I am indulging in every moment because now I know how quickly those moments can be taken away.
I was angry when I lost the first pregnancy. I was angry at myself and everyone else. I needed someone or something to blame and it took time to realize that I had nowhere to place that blame. After that I was sad..very sad. All I wanted was to continue on like nothing had happened and like I had doctor's appointments to schedule and decisions to make about baby furniture. Instead, I was empty; literally and figuratively. I have never experienced grief of such magnitude and I had no idea what to do with it. I have to say that even though I have not gone to church in a very long time and am not the first to jump on the religion train; I prayed. I prayed a lot. I prayed mostly for a chance to breathe and heal my wounds. I prayed for Ryan to have hope and understanding. But mostly I prayed for a little miracle to find me again.
Those six weeks felt like an eternity. In hindsight, I was very lucky. Here we are, waiting on baby. This time with a cautious happiness. I enjoy each day and consider every little moment a milestone. While I'm not approving of nausea or acne, I know it is for a good cause :)
I wish I had a way to see the future just to see how everything works out. I guess it wouldn't be nearly as exciting if I already knew the ending. I'll just have to write this story one day at a time.
Til then..